Thus far, certainly not the Lenten journey I had anticipated, but an enticing one, nonetheless. I have found myself slavishly working, real compulsive workaholism, punishing myself — perhaps for having things — by working at things I care about not one wit. Self destructive to the max. And so I will pray to be delivered from this, to cease to think that I must be doing, doing, doing to be worthwhile, and to turn my attention to those things I sense are in fact worthwhile, and to make time to become refreshed. And this seems to be the Lenten transfiguration that I did not expect, but that I am graced to receive.
I find the picture below to be quite refreshing. It reminds me of a step-waterfall not far from here that I used to walk by each morning on the way to yoga. An image to keep in mind as I pray.
The distribution of ashes: this day is the only day on which there is a very public declaration of faith, which its invitation to jeers, one of which I received, a crude joke, “just kidding,” along with a browbeating from others in the workplace.
Tried to tune in to the Jesuit’s audio retreat, but found it noxious that the word “mercy” is repeated over and over and over again, to fall in line with Papal decree. In truth, I find that the resurrection of indulgences desecrates reconciliation, for the thinking is that even though one is forgiven, one will be punished nonetheless unless additional, newly announced, rituals are performed. It stinks of “simony says.”
Tried still to get in to the spirit of Lent, all the nonsense notwithstanding. In prayer, wondered whether I really believe I will be healed, and what is it that needs healing? Some needs are beyond words, some needs themselves mask a deeper yearning, a sense of belonging with the Lord. In my mother’s womb you formed me….
The call to meditation asks that we remind ourselves that we are in the presence of God, that God’s magnificence surrounds and pervades all. At almost all times in my life at this point I do not sense this, and indeed I feel I wander among godlessness.
Jesus cures the leper, the untouchable, with touch, and then tells him to be quiet about it, telling only the rabbi, so that he might return to society. What did the leper feel when those who spurned him then welcomed him? How did he reconcile himself to that, when he was the same person, with or without illness?
Good God, Lent again. We just had Advent, of the ill-fated Advent wreath and the dashed hopes that accompanied it, and all of the strife that the end of the year embodied. And now, Lent.
In my innermost self, I desire time alone with the Lord. In fact, all my time should be time with the Lord. As if. (As if that good intention will not evaporate in face of the unrelenting drain of daily demands and the overwhelming toxicity of society.) The unfortunate overlay on wholesome and holy desire, however, is an internalized, childish, yet difficult to deny and dislodge, demand that I become “good.” “Good” according to some Girl Scout definition, always smiling and servile, sacrificing all for some construct of poverty and social justice. I am reminded that, not unlike our beloved Mae West, Jesus announced that, in essence, goodness has nothing to do with it. My guy And today he ripped in to the rules people.
That out of the way, what is it that I seek this Lent? Some openness to the Lord, some availability to all that is offered. And what is offered is all that might be desired. So I will start with that.
The picture inserted here is not terribly pretty, not terribly well shaped. Lacking in color, depth, and definition. Chosen specifically to illustrate the sort of interior brambles, sparked with a little color here and there, not unpleasing in hue, that marks this beginning of the season.